How Great is Our God

Well I was not good this weekend.  I am currently getting ready to kick my butt and go get this work out in!  I am a bit behind but I promised myself I wouldn't let me getting behind stop me from my goals so I just get right back on it.  We had a great weekend and had friends come over Saturday night!  I gave Mike his Valentines Gift on Friday night and we had his mom and brother come over so we could enjoy it!!  We got Settlers of Catan!  A game we fell in love with during vacation in Washington.  We got to play it Saturday night as well. 

I guess I never thought that this whole question about being able to get pregnant thing would affect me like it does sometimes.  Two weeks ago at church there was a girl singing back up and she is quite pregnant.  Now I have met her once I know she is quite the delightful woman and I can tell just tickled about being pregnant--but I was put in a state about it.  I kept praying please God let me concentrate on something else, let me not be bothered by this but I was having a hard time.  This weekend I felt like I was being bombarded by pregnant people and babies.  Please don't get me wrong.  I am thrilled for everyone who is having a baby and I don't know their stories and what they may or not have been through. I have no right to judge, be upset or having anything against them,  I just happen to know how it makes me feel knowing what I know about me.  We had some friends over and while we were playing a game they got the call that a family member was pregnant.  I felt my whole demeanor change and I hated that.  I get comments sometimes about well at least you married a man with kids and they call you mom.  I understand that people are being genuine in this situation but it hurts.  Yes Nathan and Aliyah are mine and we are so blessed to have these two beautiful children but that doesn't stop the feelings I have had my whole life about being pregnant and having children and Mike and I's desire to make children together.  There were like 60 people on stage this weekend at church.  The girl I saw two weeks ago is also in the choir and wouldn't you know she happened to be right in my sight where I was sitting.  Again, I'm thrilled for her but it for some reason is difficult for me.  Then one of the pastors gets up on stage to do announcements and she says" if I can jump around when I'm 3 months pregnant you can do it too"  That was her announcement of her being pregnant for the third time.  I've just felt bombarded with it and I don't want to.  I don't want those feelings, we don't even know what the final prognosis is for me at this point, we just know what the Doctor has said and the Doctor isn't God.  I went to bed Saturday night crying to Mike about my feelings.  We can't do anything about them, we can just grab a hold to the fact that indeed God's plan is the best plan and if we are rooted in him than we have nothing to worry about.  But man that human side of me just wants to scream and cry sometimes. 

I know quite a few girls who are pregnant right now and I know some of their stories.  I couldn't be happier for them.  I just know I have to find peace, acceptance and understand of myself and where God has me and not compare or be upset about where He has other people.  I will get there, I always do, I just know I have a bit of a process to go through. 

So thats my story and my motivation for the day... I am off to get this workout in because I know that feeling strong and confident in who I am will help with this journey I am on.

Happy Valentine's Day folks.  I hope you are all doing amazing.  If you are on this road I am on, which I know many of you are, I pray that today you not only feel loved by your husband and loved ones but you feel very loved by Christ as well.  Even though I had all these feelings during church yesterday we sang the song "How Great is Our God"  I was taken back to Stanford University's  Childrens Hospital.  To a room in the corner.  Filled with an amazing family and love and filled with the spirit of a young girl, Samantha Williams.  I was in that room with Grace and we sang Samantha her favorite song as we thought it was her time to go see Jesus.  We had no band or any help just words in front of us and the voices God gave us.  Samantha taught me so much.  She lived for about 6 weeks after this night, but I will never forget getting to sing and worship with her that night. "HOW GREAT IS OUR GOD, SING WITH ME HOW GREAT IS OUR GOD...THE SPLENDOR OF OUR KING, CLOTHED IN MAJESTY THE BEGINNING AND THE END...."

Our God is so great, and I just stopped to think about how Samantha even as she knew her days were numbered, praised God at all times and in all situations.  That song kind of sucked me back to reality yesterday.  I'm not saying I didn't walk away without an struggle but I was reminded about who God is and who we are to be as His Children... How Great is our God!