Saturday, May 14, 2011


Well Here I am.  I so didn’t do the 90 days.  It’s not that I didn’t want to and it’s not that I don’t think about it every day.  I have lacked so much motivation, so much joy, so much of who I am in the past few months.  It’s unbelievable how much your life gets turned upside down and how that so greatly effects things in your life that you are already struggling with.  I took the week after Mike got laid off, off from working out.  I wish I that I had that crazy in my that instead I would have worked out double, gone out for a run, a bike ride, take the dogs for several walks a day etc etc.   But no.  I stop.  Every night I tell myself no more excuses, today you are going to get up and you are going to go work out.  And every night I tell myself, “Melissa you didn’t get up today, no wonder you feel like crap, get up and work out in the morning” and it becomes a VICIOUS cycle.  
I looked at pictures today.  Pictures of when I had lost about 50 or so pounds.  Oh my gosh. I fell in love with myself again there. I loved how I felt, how I talked to myself, how I treated myself, how clothes shopping felt, how free I felt and how confident I felt.  I stopped comparing myself and started loving on myself.  Wow, I miss those days.  I keep looking back at what went wrong.  Well a lot of things did.  I didn’t successfully wean myself off of the program I was on and I didn’t learn how to go to maintenance.  My life started to change drastically and so did my eating.  I wasn’t weighing myself often enough to realize how little things were making a big difference. 
My doctor told me I am going to have this battle forever.  I have a metabolism I wouldn’t wish upon anyone.  It’s in my body make up and so I need to learn to deal with it.  She suggested diets like WW, Nutri System or Medifast.  I would LOVE I mean LOVE to try Nutri System or to do Medifast again but the fact of the matter is, I can’t.  They are too expensive and our income is just well… there isn’t one.
So here I am.  I am motivated to make the difference in my life and learn how to make that difference for ever.  I am ready to sweat, I am ready to get rid of clothes that are too big and get out my super super cute clothes that I had to put in containers in the garage and under the bed.  I am ready to truly live… I just don’t know how to make it all happen. 
I had to cancel my gym membership because, well we are just getting rid of all of the extra expenses that we can.  Even though I cancelled it is still active until June 15th.  I went today and did a Fat Burn Work out on the treadmill… hey its something.  I did 3 miles and burned 400 calories. 
Step by step, little by little.  I do need to come up with some sort of a plan though so I can keep myself accountable, I just don’t know what that is. 
P90is intense and I like it but it is hard to be motivated to do that every single day.  I may try an every other day approach or hmm… do a Zumba video one day and a p90 the next… I don’t know for sure… but I need to come up with something. 
So here I am…  I was up and then fallen and then got back up and now fallen again and now I need to find a way to be back up. 
I may post again tonight… had a “moment” while working out today… don’t have all the thoughts together yet.

Monday, March 28, 2011

I promised I would exercise by today

So I took our two great danes on a walk today.  It wasn't p90 but due to being a girl I wasn't able to make that happen today.  I love the looks I get from people when I have well over 200 pounds of dogs attached to me.  Our doggies are very very calm walkers... in fact our CRAZY puppy does better than our 3 year old.  We walk for about a mile and a half today and it was wonderful.  Beautiful weather and calmer puppy, which lets be real, that makes us all happy.

Gus-Gus and I also went for a walk in the pouring down rain this weekend.  Also fun and it was exercise.  We ran for some of it as well... though he got "excited" when I started running and next thing I knew I had a HUGE dog with his front paws on each of my hips... we need to learn how to run with  mommy still.

I vow to do at least 2 P90 work outs this week, though I would love to do more.

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

yes I have been away, yes I have been a slacker, yes i am drinking a glass of wine right now

Hello world.

So some of you are probably saying well... she did it again, she started something and didn't finish it.  Well its true.  But I do plan on finishing!  As you read in my last post, Mike was laid off on Feb. 15th.  This hit us all super hard and it has been a very tough time emotionally and mentally.  Needless to say, I used it as an excuse to not do p90x.  I really don't like myself for that but it it is what I have done.  I know my pants are tighter, my wardrobe selection has gotten smaller and I don't have that happiness within me that I had when I was so proud of myself for doing my workouts.  It is amazing how life will get you.  I have been preparing myself for over a week now that this past Monday I was going to get right back on it and make it happen.  Sunday night I start feeling horrible and Monday I was definitely not up to par.  I took the kids to school and came back home and slept until 12.  I am still not at 100%.  So here I am , sitting here at my desk, thinking why oh why Melissa can you not just get and stay motivated, why is it so hard for you to loose weight? Why does crappy food seem so amazing in times like these?

I don't know the answer to these things, but I do know this.  I am promising that I am back to the grind by this coming Monday and it will feel great and it will suck all at the same time but I can handle it, I can do it and I deserve it!

I know many of you are in the same boat I am in and I hope you are doing well.  I know there are many of you that struggle with other areas of life, and I know that though some of us can't see if physically it is just as difficult and I pray you find that balance and that motivation.

I have to say this, though I know my friends and family love me, part of me is embarrassed to get together with people from Lodi and from back home that have seem me in the not so far past and so much smaller, I feel like I am getting shamed over and over again, and though I don't think that is true... well at least for the majority of people, I think it is something that is holding me back.  I also think that since Mike got laid off and they took our insurance away the day that it happened (a soap box that you don't want me to get on) that I think my motivation dwindled a little more knowing that me getting pregnant in this time is just not what needs to be happening.  We have no insurance, no income and are trying to start our own business because at this point we also have no job leads.  I guess I need to refocus myself for the true reasons to do p90 and exercise and eating better.  I think then I can see past the huge hurdles right in front of me and see the hope and future.

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

where do I start?

It's amazing how fast life changes.  We have been going through so many changes in the past year and a half and have been doing it pretty well if you ask me.  We accept what we are handed knowing God has a plan.  There are times that I wasn't certain of what He was doing but you trust and know that God knows the desire of your heart and has plans to prosper us and not to harm us. 

Some of you may know how difficult this past month has been for us.  We are helping our children deal with a lot of different things and sometimes it is not pretty around here, but we are making it.  We have dealt with Mike being out of town over and over again and new schools, new mom, new roles, new rules, new new new.  We have taken it as gracefully as we can though I doubt that we would be given a Gold Medal for any of it.  We are behind on life and just doing what we can to tread water until we get the breaks we need to move forward. We don't give up and we won't give in.

Mike has worked for a company since about the same time we met(about a year and a half now).  They are the top company in his field and though some of their management skills were a bit special he had a wonderful boss and a wonderful office to work in.  He traveled a lot but he also made a ton of contacts and was very well respected in his field.  He got promoted in his time with the company and was even the Sacramento Office Manager along with managing the Sound Installation.  He was doing very well.  They had some special rules when it came to chargability and to promoting himself for jobs and he battled it but was constantly refused the opportunity to grow within the company.  Though frustrating, we were so thankful he had a job and one with such a well known company.

Yesterday morning he got an email from a consultant under him saying she had gotten laid off.  Since he didn't know about it and he oversee's her projects he called me right away on his way to work telling me that he was quite certain he was getting laid off.  I didn't want to believe it, His boss really can't say a bad thing about him.  He has been told time and time again he writes the best reports and is one of just a couple people who can do the modeling and projects that he does.  Well I got the message yesterday afternoon that he was packing up and would be home soon.  They laid him off. I am so thankful that Gene fought for him but it was a fight that couldn't be won.  I have my issues with the whole thing and how I believe a person influenced it but I don't know that for sure and I am trying to let go of that thought. 

We will be getting a whole week and a half of severance.  Whoo... so sweet though we will take anything right now.  They cut off our insurance at 5PM yesterday so we now have no medical, dental or vision insurance.  They will only give us the severance once we return the stocks we own in the company.

Mike wasn't the only one laid off yesterday, there were 5 others  and 15 others that got put on 20 hour furloughs,  my heart goes out to them as well.  I sobbed, literally sobbed half the day yesterday.  I know how much this will affect us if one or both of us isn't able to get a job SOON... but we have to trust God and his plan.  Mike has amazing contacts and we will see--he could have another job today or we may have to wait wait wait... but this I do know-- Nothing in life is certain, and don't take a minute of your day for granted. 

I have prayer at my next door neighbors house in 15 minutes and then I will be doing laundry and applying for more jobs, trying to book 31 parties and just doing what we can to keep our heads above water and our hearts from being squashed.  

Thank you in advance for your prayers and love.  May you know God's love for you and have complete trust in Him.


Monday, February 14, 2011

How Great is Our God

Well I was not good this weekend.  I am currently getting ready to kick my butt and go get this work out in!  I am a bit behind but I promised myself I wouldn't let me getting behind stop me from my goals so I just get right back on it.  We had a great weekend and had friends come over Saturday night!  I gave Mike his Valentines Gift on Friday night and we had his mom and brother come over so we could enjoy it!!  We got Settlers of Catan!  A game we fell in love with during vacation in Washington.  We got to play it Saturday night as well. 

I guess I never thought that this whole question about being able to get pregnant thing would affect me like it does sometimes.  Two weeks ago at church there was a girl singing back up and she is quite pregnant.  Now I have met her once I know she is quite the delightful woman and I can tell just tickled about being pregnant--but I was put in a state about it.  I kept praying please God let me concentrate on something else, let me not be bothered by this but I was having a hard time.  This weekend I felt like I was being bombarded by pregnant people and babies.  Please don't get me wrong.  I am thrilled for everyone who is having a baby and I don't know their stories and what they may or not have been through. I have no right to judge, be upset or having anything against them,  I just happen to know how it makes me feel knowing what I know about me.  We had some friends over and while we were playing a game they got the call that a family member was pregnant.  I felt my whole demeanor change and I hated that.  I get comments sometimes about well at least you married a man with kids and they call you mom.  I understand that people are being genuine in this situation but it hurts.  Yes Nathan and Aliyah are mine and we are so blessed to have these two beautiful children but that doesn't stop the feelings I have had my whole life about being pregnant and having children and Mike and I's desire to make children together.  There were like 60 people on stage this weekend at church.  The girl I saw two weeks ago is also in the choir and wouldn't you know she happened to be right in my sight where I was sitting.  Again, I'm thrilled for her but it for some reason is difficult for me.  Then one of the pastors gets up on stage to do announcements and she says" if I can jump around when I'm 3 months pregnant you can do it too"  That was her announcement of her being pregnant for the third time.  I've just felt bombarded with it and I don't want to.  I don't want those feelings, we don't even know what the final prognosis is for me at this point, we just know what the Doctor has said and the Doctor isn't God.  I went to bed Saturday night crying to Mike about my feelings.  We can't do anything about them, we can just grab a hold to the fact that indeed God's plan is the best plan and if we are rooted in him than we have nothing to worry about.  But man that human side of me just wants to scream and cry sometimes. 

I know quite a few girls who are pregnant right now and I know some of their stories.  I couldn't be happier for them.  I just know I have to find peace, acceptance and understand of myself and where God has me and not compare or be upset about where He has other people.  I will get there, I always do, I just know I have a bit of a process to go through. 

So thats my story and my motivation for the day... I am off to get this workout in because I know that feeling strong and confident in who I am will help with this journey I am on.

Happy Valentine's Day folks.  I hope you are all doing amazing.  If you are on this road I am on, which I know many of you are, I pray that today you not only feel loved by your husband and loved ones but you feel very loved by Christ as well.  Even though I had all these feelings during church yesterday we sang the song "How Great is Our God"  I was taken back to Stanford University's  Childrens Hospital.  To a room in the corner.  Filled with an amazing family and love and filled with the spirit of a young girl, Samantha Williams.  I was in that room with Grace and we sang Samantha her favorite song as we thought it was her time to go see Jesus.  We had no band or any help just words in front of us and the voices God gave us.  Samantha taught me so much.  She lived for about 6 weeks after this night, but I will never forget getting to sing and worship with her that night. "HOW GREAT IS OUR GOD, SING WITH ME HOW GREAT IS OUR GOD...THE SPLENDOR OF OUR KING, CLOTHED IN MAJESTY THE BEGINNING AND THE END...."

Our God is so great, and I just stopped to think about how Samantha even as she knew her days were numbered, praised God at all times and in all situations.  That song kind of sucked me back to reality yesterday.  I'm not saying I didn't walk away without an struggle but I was reminded about who God is and who we are to be as His Children... How Great is our God!

Thursday, February 10, 2011

Week two days one and two

So I am off by one day but thats ok. The amount of stress I was under made it where working out the day I missed would have been worthless.  So I have done week two days 1 and two.  Yesterday I did Core Synergistics.  Wow, I felt a big improvement from last week though I know I won't be able to do some of the things right and to my best until month 2 or 3.  But that is ok, I did them and I improved.  What more could I ask for. 

Yesterday I got a surprise phone call from Mike saying he was coming home early.  Oh thank you Jesus for sending snow and ice to Tulsa... Sorry to any of you who are in that area, but I need my husband home and the father of my children home badly.  That has reduced my stress level a ton and today I moved on to week 2 day 2.  It was Cardio X. I found myself keeping up with the work out a lot better and not feeling like I was going to die, although I was quite sweaty and I am feeling it right now. 

I went to the grocery store today to get our meals for the week and then came home worked out and went to Sams to get the stuff you can get cheaper there.  I zoomed over to get the kids from school and then we came home and took the dogs out (and us) for more exercise.  The new puppy is definetely getting us outside quite a bit more.  Nathan rode his scooter, Aliyah her new bike and I rode the horse... I mean I walked the dogs.  The looks I get walking two huge Great Danes is a crack up. You can read peoples lips in cars going "OH MY GOSH... Look how big" It puts a smile on my face. 

Needless to say the workouts are still going well, Without my husband here to help keep the peace between me and a frustrated, upset, hormonal 10 year old girl I struggle but little by little I will get there! 

Have a great day!


Monday, February 7, 2011

Day 5, 6 and 7

Hello All,
Wow, I really can't even begin to tell you all my feelings and emotions that I have had these past few days.  Its been a long few days folks and I'm ready to be able to breathe again.   P90x isn't going as well as I would like for it to be going.  I am not stopping or quitting but this past week I have been more than drained emotionally.  On top of that it takes a lot out of you so I have been sooo soo tired.  I skipped yesterday I didn't want to but I did.  I got right back with it today and I will use tomorrow as day 1 of week 2 instead of my rest day since I did that yesterday.  So I am totally on the right page right now but just tired.  I also found that doing p90x in the evening or late at night just doesn't work for me.  When I do it in the morning or early afternoon I have much better energy for it and have better results during the work out.  I need to keep this up until I have a job and maybe when I get a job I can do it during the homework time when the kids don't need help.  I know i have to have a plan and schedule it into my day the day before so it is a priority.

This weekend we went to a Great Dane Meet up in Richmond Ca.  It is about an hour and a half away.  There were probably about 25 other beautiful Danes there.  Wow what a sight.  It was at an amazing off leash park the all the danes were having a good ole time.  On the way home we stopped by a lady named "Sylvia's" house.  She had a 7 month old Harlequin Great Dane she was trying to get rid of... well long story short... we are now the proud owners of 2 Great Danes.  Brutus who is 3 and our new boy, Gus.  Gus is about 100 Pounds and will likely be 160-180.  He is going to be a big boy.  He is definetely puppy right now and Brutus is a bit unsure about that but we are making progress.  We are walking a lot and playing and cuddling and training. 

Well Mike is out of town and if one of my kids is in a bad mood then the other is a peach and then the switch roles the next day. I'm on a constant roller coaster and I am a coaster junkie but there does become a time that you need off the coaster.  I NEED OFF THE COASTER! 

Ok I got that out of my system. 

Well I am on the couch writing this, I have one dog squeezed onto the same cushion as me, Brutus is taking up the other two and Nathan is squeezed next to him.  Oh we are just so cozy.