yes I have been away, yes I have been a slacker, yes i am drinking a glass of wine right now

Hello world.

So some of you are probably saying well... she did it again, she started something and didn't finish it.  Well its true.  But I do plan on finishing!  As you read in my last post, Mike was laid off on Feb. 15th.  This hit us all super hard and it has been a very tough time emotionally and mentally.  Needless to say, I used it as an excuse to not do p90x.  I really don't like myself for that but it it is what I have done.  I know my pants are tighter, my wardrobe selection has gotten smaller and I don't have that happiness within me that I had when I was so proud of myself for doing my workouts.  It is amazing how life will get you.  I have been preparing myself for over a week now that this past Monday I was going to get right back on it and make it happen.  Sunday night I start feeling horrible and Monday I was definitely not up to par.  I took the kids to school and came back home and slept until 12.  I am still not at 100%.  So here I am , sitting here at my desk, thinking why oh why Melissa can you not just get and stay motivated, why is it so hard for you to loose weight? Why does crappy food seem so amazing in times like these?

I don't know the answer to these things, but I do know this.  I am promising that I am back to the grind by this coming Monday and it will feel great and it will suck all at the same time but I can handle it, I can do it and I deserve it!

I know many of you are in the same boat I am in and I hope you are doing well.  I know there are many of you that struggle with other areas of life, and I know that though some of us can't see if physically it is just as difficult and I pray you find that balance and that motivation.

I have to say this, though I know my friends and family love me, part of me is embarrassed to get together with people from Lodi and from back home that have seem me in the not so far past and so much smaller, I feel like I am getting shamed over and over again, and though I don't think that is true... well at least for the majority of people, I think it is something that is holding me back.  I also think that since Mike got laid off and they took our insurance away the day that it happened (a soap box that you don't want me to get on) that I think my motivation dwindled a little more knowing that me getting pregnant in this time is just not what needs to be happening.  We have no insurance, no income and are trying to start our own business because at this point we also have no job leads.  I guess I need to refocus myself for the true reasons to do p90 and exercise and eating better.  I think then I can see past the huge hurdles right in front of me and see the hope and future.