The day before day 1

I have been having a really rough few weeks.  It's been trying here, especially for me. I love my life but with it comes challenges.  I am starting this blog for me.  I haven't decided if anyone will see it yet or not.  Maybe I will let them after I have reached some goals, maybe I just need a place to vent, brag, or just be.

I have been frustrated with  my body for pretty much forever.  I have done a lot to try to fix it and I have done a lot to harm it.  In December I went to the Doctor.  I have known for a long time that I had a lot of issues with my female health.  Well in December I was told I was pretty much infertile.  It wasn't that much of a surprise to me.  though don't get me wrong.  It took its toll on my heart and mind and I struggled with it.  The Doctor told me that if Mike and I wanted to have babies that we needed to get on it.  There was not time to waste and this would likely end up with me going to the fertility clinic.  We just took it all in.  I went through an insane amount of blood work and an insane amount of medications in one month.  I took clomid and got my blood work done.  I was having some other issues and went back to the doctor.  While I was there she checked on all of my results. She just stared and me and said... well... your body just laughed at me.  Your body has not responded at all to Clomid.  I am a crier... I remember telling Mike how proud I was of myself that I didn't cry at all during my December appointment... I cried this time.  So then the other lovely news was told to me.  She told me in December I needed to work on loosing weight.  This hasn't been news to me, after all I do see myself in the mirror several times a day.  I do know how my clothes fit and I do know how I feel... I had lost 5 pounds since the last time I was in.  She told me that I needed to loose 15 more and call her.   With all of this I should also mention that one thing that I have wrong with me is that I have PCOS (Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome).  I was told in December that this causing me to have a metabolism of like none and that weight would be a life time battle.  GREAT... just what anyone wants to hear.   Ok back to the 20 pounds... if Clomid didn't work then then I would need to loose another 20 and then maybe more weight .... or I just may need to go to the fertility clinic right away.  In Fact that is an option for right now.  It didn't take me long to decide that though we have amazing insurance, that being healthy for the baby is important and we will go for the weight loss option first.

I go to a gym here but motivation there is minimal.  Its only $9 a month so that is why I joined. I have done weight watchers a lot in the past so I decided to just do that on my own. But see the problem is, I know that I do so much better when I go to the meetings.  I also know that once I loose 25 pounds I plateau on weight watchers and I have  a hard time overcoming it.  We can't afford for me to go to meetings right now so on my own it has been.  I haven't been doing that great.

Mike suggested that I look into having lap band surgery.  I was actually all over this idea.  He suggested it because he knows how frustrated I was about being told that this is a life long battle and I will deal with it day in and day out for the rest of my life. That overwhelmed me.  So I called a surgeon we trust and got the info.  There is a seminar on February 7th... awesome.  So I call my insurance company to find out coverage.  Turns out, I'm not fat enough.  I have to weigh like 20 or so pounds more or have major medical issues (fertility is not a major medical issue to them).  I was crushed.  It's not that I wanted to have to go through all of that, but I sure was willing if it meant my battle with  my weight wouldn't be as huge of a battle for the rest of my life.

I love my children dearly, but after school time has become so stressful.  Stress and fatness don't go well together.  The last two and a half weeks have drained me and I pray we are coming out of them, but don't know if we are or not.  By the time Mike gets home at night I just do what I can to stay awake and have quality time with my husband.

Last night he was being all mysterious.  He knows I HATE not knowing things.  He knows I love surprises but that I hate knowing that there is a surprise coming and not having a clue about it.  He calls it the control freak in me.  I call it... well he is probably right.  So He kissed me and said I'll be back in like 10 minutes.  He came back with something in his coat.  I knew whatever it was, was for both of us.  He said, "now there are reasons I got this and you can't be insulted about it"  oh geez... If its for me please don't let it be a car part, the star wars trilogy or something off the wall like that.  He pulled out a small box from his coat and it was Tony Horton's  "P90X".  This is an INTENSE work out program for 90 days.  We both have had friends that did amazing with it but it is extreme.  It's 6 days a week for 90 days.  He got it for the yoga and stretching.  We have been doing wii fit yoga for his back and it helps.  I was not offended at all.  He said he would do what he could of it and I told him I was starting tomorrow because I can't handle my body anymore.  I also can't handle the fact that a possibility of a reason I can't get pregnant is because of my weight.  My fault. kind of.  OUCH.  

So here is my blog about my 90 day and beyond journey.  It isn't going to be easy, but I know I will be rewarded and that is so exciting to me!

Oh I should add a little note about having a baby.  Right now was not the timing Mike and I had for all of this.  But we finally found a doctor who had answers and doesn't want us to wait too long because of 4 major issues I have going on in me... Funny how our timing and God's direction and timing don't match up all the time but He has is reasons.

So Ladies and Gentlemen... here we go.  I'm off to put work out clothes on and do my day 1 work out.  I will try my hardest and do what I can with it.

HERE WE GO!